Inside My Mind.

It's funny how sometimes it feels like there's only one thing in this world keeping you alive day to day, and if it was gone, you wouldn't know what to do or how to live. But then it leaves, willingly or by force; it leaves. And you're left broken down on your knees, with nothing. And there's just this insane about of helplessness that comes with that. The worst kind of pain that you can feel though, is when that person proves just how happily and easily they can live without you in their life. And that's when, down on your knees, you come to the bitter reality: you have to force yourself to live without them. No matter how much it hurts, you have to realize that nothings going to change. And then you start to get up, brush yourself off and slowly start to stand, and you find yourself thinking,"This isn't so hard." and soon enough you realize that you didn't need them to hold you up in this first place. And you think back to when you had them and wonder why you ever thought you needed them so much.
But here's the catch... What do you do when you go for months barely speaking but still being civil and not need them, when suddenly it seems like they need you? You're talking again, and you're falling again. Old cuts reopened, those healing wounds are now ripped back open. And you're vulnerable. The pain isn't there. But it will be. Because there's an aftershock... There's always an aftershock. It's really like an earthquake. After the earthquake hits, it's gone. And then you open your eyes and you see all the damage left. It's devastating. And nothing can clear away the damage except yourself. So you start to clear everything away, and things start looking brighter. And even when you get everything fixed just right like it was in the first place, you still remember every little detail of the storm. And you won't ever forget about it. No matter how hard you try, those images are always gonna be stuck in your mind. And that's what scares me the most...

11.17.10
Get inspired.<3

What's on my Mind Right Now.

This past year, 2009, my family had a chance to move to Tennessee. My dad was offered a job down there, or over there I should say, and we were considering it. Though he didn't end up taking it and I was relieved at the time, now I wish we had. I look back and think, what was I so worried about losing? A boyfriend? The people I called my friends? Turns out, I lost the guy anyways, go figure. And, as sad as it may seem, I think I could actually leave this state and not worry about losing my friends. Don't get me wrong, I have some really really amazing friends and I don't know what I'd do without them, but I do believe I could make new ones. Of course, the ones I've made here are irreplaceable, but does that mean that I couldn't make new ones and still keep in touch with the old?

Which brings me to my point:

Change is inevitable.

It's going to happen, despite your attempts to stop it. You are going to lose friends. And that person you're dating, it isn't going to last forever. People say I am so negative with relationships because I face reality and say that I know that it isn't going to last my whole life. Honestly, I cannot see myself dating the person I am going to marry right now at thirteen years old. I don't even think I'll meet that person until after college. So why set myself up thinking that my 8th grade "relationship" is going to last a while? Already, I see people doing that, and I'm just like, "What, were you actually thinking you were going to marry him one day??" It's rediculous really. You're fourteen for crying out loud! I don't even think I know what real love is. Already, I see people changing, from the sweet, innocent people they were in sixth and seventh grade, into people who go off and party every weekend and get drunk and make out with random guys. Already starting in the eighth grade. And the more and more people I see like that, the more and more I realize that they don't have anything but low self esteem. They may look like they have it all, but really, they're miserable. And I realize how that's not someone I want to turn into. That's not anyone I want to hang around with either. It's scary to see someone who was one of your best friends in grade school start hanging out with the wrong crowd and how much they can change over a year. It's heartbreaking too, to know that they went on without you. Were they really your friend in the first place? I've lost some friends like that. And quite frankly, I don't miss them. I miss who I thought they were, I miss who they used to be, but I don't miss their company now. Anyways. I was just sort of writing down what I was thinking. Who knows, maybe it was something you needed to hear. Or maybe you didn't want to hear it. Either way, I know what I stand for. Get inspired. <3

Heartache and Heart Loss

Silver lake,
Dancing stars,
Under the shining moon.

Glittering lights,
I stand alone.
I hope to see you soon.

Forsaken lovers,
We cannot be.
I hope that you'll
Remember me.
Alone tonight
At the cross
Of the roads,
Heartache and Heartloss.

Stolen hearts,
Conquered minds,
Neither alive nor dead.

You stole a kiss
From my lips.
There's so much left unsaid.

Forsaken lovers,
We cannot be.
I hope that you'll
Remember me.
Alone tonight
At the cross
Of the roads,
Heartache and Heartloss.

You are mine,
And I am yours.
If only for tonight.

You and me,
It's so very wrong
But it feels oh so right.

Forsaken lovers,
We cannot be.
I hope that you'll
Remember me.
Alone tonight
At the cross
Of the roads,
Heartache and Heartloss.

I hate to do this
These streets are cursed.
We're standing where they cross.

I must leave you here
Between the streets,
Of Heartache and Heartloss.